Questions still surface in the mind of all that has happened over almost 2 years. Much I still cannot remember. Told to stop searching for answers and just move forward (easier said than done)
Rehab, hospice, shingles, caused nerve damage on the face, painful arthritis, downward I was going and then 3 trips to
ER and a heart attack 3 months ago.
So it seems I have miraculously recovered from much
but now it seems
I no longer am me, a different person with different thoughts and energy level drastically
decreased. Very thankful but at times not happy with this aging body and mind that is
good and still has thoughts years younger than she is and body cannot do.
All I am told at this time is I am a miracle and move on. So I smile most of the time, cry
other times and continue to move on.
It has been increasingly difficult to go up to my much enjoyed upstairs and sit by a big window even with help.
So have just about given this up and bringing some items that are special to me downstairs
where I can enjoy them.
Do not care if you can hardly walk downstairs because I am surrounding myself with all I love
and have enjoyed for years and many memories surface regarding them
on it. Stack of Mary Oliver books and ashamed to say I did not know she had passed away
in January at 83 years old, her books underlined, markers sticking out, tear-stained and have helped me on my journey.
A stack of Chinese poetry books. My son introduced me to these books and for the life of me
wonder why I feel so much in common with monks who went high into the mountains and lived
with little and hoed the ground for their food.
A stack of This Thich Nhat Hanh books, which my son introduced me too also.
Books everywhere in this cottage on every subject, need to start reading again.
So busy still going through medical bills and papers, girls not here and busy so mama just carries
on at a slow pace.
Thankful for a little garden help, cleaning flower beds and trying to open up some of the paths
in the woods that I cannot walk on unless someone holding my arm and this one holding a cane.
To think several years ago I would walk them almost daily and sometimes with the blower, rake
and with a broom, I would use to sweep them clean.
Maybe I am crazy, but I smile typing this because I am happy to be where I love
living, writing, and camera always in my pocket. But I still do not like being the way I am
that much I did can no longer do
if this makes sense.
Next, a chair moved downstairs, love chairs and spotted this about 50 years ago.
So will stop sharing, a beautiful day is arriving, up since 4:45 am, need to eat, pick up
N.Y.Times in the drive and rest.
One Woman
7 comments:
I always enjoy your reflections Ernestine. Your heart is so full for life and gratitude and courage. Peace
Love hearing from you. You introduced me to so many good authors. I became obsessed with Mary Oliver. In fact, her Devotions book is by my bedside. Where was she my whole life. She makes me cry at times with her reflections of natural life that surrounded her. I live on a farm and am so appreciative of my lifestyle but could not put into words like she does of what I am seeing.
Keep doing what you keep doing. I am alive and so blessed.
Mary Oliver, May Sarton, Ursula Leguin, and so many more who write of old age so well and succinctly. I am grateful for them and for you Ernestine and also for Ronni Bennett who writes of her dying as did Marianne Schaeffer and Irene Sieders and others.
They do not varnish the trials and challenges. It is so much healthier to tell it like it is.
You do that and I try as well. Big hug.
XO
WWW
You write from a good place in the company of fine books and their authors. Hope requires a continuing forward/future look... I believe I read that in your words here.❤️
Carolyn, WWW, Rebecca, Judi,
thank you so very much for your words of encouragement.
I love reading about your books and sharing your beautiful room with you. Am doing much the same thing here, moving my favorite art and reading materials onto the main floor of this house where I can continue to enjoy them. For the most part, stairs are no longer "doable".
Cate, thank you
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