Books by the old Leather Chair

  • Snow In The Summer
  • My Bible
  • The Power of Silence
  • What Comes Next and to Like It
  • Encore Provence
  • A Year in Provence

Thursday, May 9, 2019


A busy inside day
as it was raining on and off all day

Still trying to not bring up much in my memory.   Much that happened over the months medically
will surface and disturbs me.   Much I really had forgotten but evidently deep in the
subconscious of over a year of people in my home I did not know and now a few special items
are missing
best to just forget but difficult.   In many ways, I am me again.
Yes, Me with health challenges going on.

I am either too sensitive, continually looking for answers
or accustomed to knowing all and being in facilities, much medication told for healing, much has
gone deep into my subconscious - for lack of better explanation.

If I share with a doctor
they just listen
and really do not explain much to me.

Do they even know?   Truly would like to never go to a doctor again and just go and sit by the
woods and my flowers for healing.

A lot of paperwork stacked on my desk over the many months,
accustomed to being organized
finally up to going through much and sorting.

Some days I feel I am doing well
and other days
still, become frightened
that what has happened
will happen again.

Wonder if I am different
but then we are each unique
and maybe most people
do not question a lot I question.

My walking and balance is not good at all
because of arthritis
and knee replacement never is done in the past.
I am fine when sitting,
I keep moving, rarely stop
up at 5:00 and in bed by 7:30
my lifetime practice.
doors and windows open for the day
and love seeing all of nature.

Told to rest more, maybe a nap in the afternoon
have never done this and love doing what I do

Being careful
but I think I need to be more careful.  When out at the market
use my cane, some mention those horrible electric things
not me, will walk and hold onto the cart, if uncomfortable
someone can go with me.

Very honest as I share
maybe too honest.

Do not really think my children like hearing all of this,
Maybe my true feelings make them sad or they want to forget
this is going on with their mother.

I am so happy I can write
from my heart.
and share my feelings


Rebecca said...

Your honesty is refreshing. And I m not sure it's possible to measure the value in your "journaling" real life--to you and to me (us). All adult children would do well to pay attention. ❤️

Carolyn Marie said...

There is no doubt that what you experienced in the last year was very traumatic! That you have come through as the sensitive and soulful woman you are is a testament to your strength and resilience. Like you, I find healing in nature. My best hours are those spent working or sitting in my garden. Have a wonderful day Ernestine.

Suemn said...

I'm thankful to you for sharing your thoughts and concerns with your health situation because my dad (90 years old and having bad RA) is going through much of the same health situation. Reading your blog keeps me aware of what he is going through even though he doesn't complain very much and just tries to cope with his situation. I hope today is a good day for you!

Tabor said...

You are brave to share an the frightening and confusing past year is probably giving you a bit of PTSD. I think you should get a close friend or relative to go with you to the doctor's appointments. It means a sacrifice of your time, but you clearly need answers and you can write up the questions ahead of time, and with another person there, the doctor will be more careful in answering. I a so glad you can enjoy spring. I also hate naps, but once in a while I give in.

Judy said...

I'm glad you share because I have some of the same feelings and so...your words help me so much.
I just don't know what "normal" feels like anymore. It is very disconcerting.
So happy you are here and writing.

Wisewebwoman said...

It's good to lay the feelings out Ernestine. Beneficial to our overall well-being. I like that soup, I must pick some up.

Aging is not for sissies, as they say, my body seems to have changed over the past week, more challenges, more pain. I do not like it.

We are all just walking each other home, some crippled, some lame, some in good health still, unaware of a cancer lurking within.


Joared said...

Writing your thoughts and feelings hopefully helps provide some release knowing there continues to be others who care. I gather the electric monsters in the store to which you refer are the scooters on which you can ride. Seems to me those could be useful for conserving energy and allowing greater exploration of the store. Hard to know sometimes when to press ahead in the interest of maintaining independence and when it might be worth experimenting with using augmentative support on occasion, if not every time.