Friday Thoughts

My youngest daughter and soninlaw and my 2 little girls have been on vacation in Florida this week. They are on the way home at this moment.
Oh, how I have missed them. Jamie usually calls and emails me several times a day.
I have received pictures almost daily and they will arrive home with smiling and sunburned faces.
This family vacation they needed. Also the first time for them there were no diapers and bottles. I can hardly wait to hear the sharing from these two little ones.
Next week I will have my 5 year old several days a week as school is out. The other little one is in daycare.
So I am looking forward to this special time.
I have a small courtyard in front of my new home. It is difficult to cut the grass so I decided this week to turn it all into a garden.
My son has spread many many bags of mulch for his mom. Also we planted some new plants and a number of plants from my previous homes will make their home in this area.
I am beginning to have a mental picture of how it will look but it will be next Spring before this becomes a reality.
Some ongoing health issues have seemed to be more severe this past week. That may be part of the reason for this unusual sad feeling this week.
A number of issues have contributed to this. I miss my daughter. I am aware that my son who has a cottage across the street from me will soon be returning to his much loved Thailand. He will be back to this home in the fall.
I miss the home I moved from. I miss the small town where I lived longer then anywhere in my lifetime. I miss running errands and always seeing a familar face.
Miss the hello, conversation and sometimes a hug.
When I shared this with several of the children they just looked at me. Stated "you can not make another move".
I know this home and the selling of my other home - in just 2 weeks - was almost unreal.
I know in my heart that this is where I am to be a this time. But I also realize I could live in that area for a fraction of what it cost here in the middle of this larger city.
I also know that I moved to be closer to my children, doctor, hospital and a number of things that I really do not want or have the time to participate in.
I also realize that my mind and body have not come together as of yet. There getting closer.
Over the years I have been on a path of simplicity. It just seems it is taking me a long time to be exactly where I want to be. I am also aware that desire may not be fulfilled.
In my mind I would like to have a cottage in the middle of some country property I own. I know that realistically I do not need to be out in the middle of nowhere at this time of my life.
But I still create, plan and dream in my mind much that I am aware that I can no longer physically do.
So basically I am finally settled in this new home, creating my gardens and at times wonder "what am I doing here"
I want so very much to accept where I am on my journey through this life. Not to fight it as I may be doing.
I realize more and more that I have lived a full life and now there is not a lot of time left.
There have been the happiest of moments and moments full of heartache.
It seems almost like I am starting over.
I Have not trod this path before.
I am in unknown territory.
I almost feel guilty about putting down such deep thoughts on paper.

Deep inside there is a peace but at the moment the surface has not settled.
I have been a daughter, wife, mother and grandmother.
Now still a mother and grandmother
But what do I name myself at this time.
The matriarch of my family.
I remember when my mother passed away and I said this is what I am and my son replied "yes mama but a young matriarch"
I find that some days I wake up running and I am so full of energy and plans.
Then another day I can hardly move.
I guess I am still that woman who has a lot energy (at times) a lot of unfulfilled dreams and a lot of hope for my future.
A woman who really never thought much about aging - until lately.
I want in the deepest part of my being to be able to accept where I am at this time.
I am also very much aware of all the blessings that have come my way.
Just some Friday thoughts on my continued Journey Through this Life.