Books by the old Leather Chair

  • Snow In The Summer
  • My Bible
  • The Power of Silence
  • What Comes Next and to Like It
  • Encore Provence
  • A Year in Provence

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Sharing Some of Nightmare

I read your comments
and cannot stop the tears.

Tabor, so sorry I made you or are making you sad.
I just want to be me again and for some reason keep thinking that from now on I will be different.

I will share some of what I remember
and do not want to remember
but bits and pieces return to my mind.

I have no memory of passing out but before I did a neighbor contacted,  leaving home, of an almost hour drive in an ambulance to Nashville to the best heart hospital
No memory of being prepared for the item that is now implanted on the left side by the shoulder
Told many have this

a flashback of waking up and feet and hands being tied and being hysterical    I now know
this was done because of me trying to get out of bed

Remember though a fog of seeing all of my family surrounding me except my much-loved son
and a few dear friends and my special helpers,
have been told recently they thought I was on the way out.

I remember being so drugged continually and I am a person who not accustomed to this.

After several weeks being taken to one of the best rehabilitation places in Nashville and I wanted to go home.  No
you are not ready to go home yet kept being told.  I was truly thinking I will never get to go to my
much-loved home again.

 I was not their favorite patient.   But everyone was so good to me.
I was so sad as I had signed papers that much that was happening was not supposed too.   My daughter told me, "mama I did not know what to do I was not ready to let you go"  I told her that
is not your decision, that is God's"     but told over and over if it was your time, you would have
gone anyway

To be continued.

maybe this shares a little of this nightmare a few weeks ago.

I am doing well
just still very weak

Keep having the thought
"Lord you did not want me and he replies
no, not yet
there is still much for you to do"

You will smile, hug, reach out in love every opportunity you have.


Sheila said...

I'm so sorry that you had to go through this, Ernestine. It had to be such a scary time for you, well, and for your family too, of course. I'm so happy for you that you are back in your own lovely home now. Now, to just rest, heal get your strength back and get healthy again.

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

((((Dear Ernestine)))) God's continued blessings on you. May you feel His love and comfort surrounding and flowing through you. Share the love He has blessed you with, just as you have been doing. You always inspire me with your positive attitude.

I love you and you are in my prayers ~ FlowerLady

lil red hen said...

Love to you, Ernestine. You're very brave!

Wisewebwoman said...

Oh what a terrible frightening time for you, E. I am so sorry this has all happened and to one who is so brave and loving and just trying to do her best.

May you regain strength and more fortitude and courage than you can shake a stick at.

You are loved.


Pienosole said...

What you've been through sounds like a traumatic experience, and those take time to recover from on an emotional and spiritual level, which you know and are doing. Sending deep breaths, love, and peaceful thoughts.

MsGraysea said...

Dear Ernestine,
That is indeed a nightmare. As you did, I have all my wishes explicitly spelled out, on file with my doctors, shared with my children, and placed in a prominent place in my home, as well as with the local first responders. I would feel the same as you, do, and suppose, as you are, I would be now adjusting and changing attitude to it all, and beginning the adjustments...BUT.....Grrrrr.

May you have beauty surrounding you and glorious days of sunshine in which to ponder all the adjustments!! Above all, thank you, for your honesty about what you have just experienced.

With love,

Yellow Shoes said...

Sending you the best possible good luck and kindest regards Ernestine. xxx

Carolyn Marie said...

I hope that you are not plagued with those awful memories. Everytime you find your mind going there try to focus on the love that surrounded you and surrounds you sill. Despite your health problems you are a very strong woman. I wish you many peaceful days bathed in light and love.

kerrdelune said...

Ernestine, what a nightmare you have been through.
Please be gentle with yourself and know you are in our thoughts and prayers.
So glad you are home again, as that is where healing takes place.

Marcie said...

Just sending love. Holding you in my prayers and looking forward to your writing more as you are able.

Joared said...

A scary time for you, but sounds like you received the care you needed. My husband had Pacemaker many years as has a younger friend and he has even more improved models. Expect you'll do well. Be patient with yourself for some more good years. — takes more time to bounce back when we’re older.

kerrdelune said...

My dear friend, you are on your way back. Please be gentle with yourself and patient too - recovering takes time for elders. Thinking of you in your beautiful home in the woods, resting and healing. Home and Mother Nature are the best medicine of all.

Sallysmom said...

Hope you are doing well.

Judy said...

The Lord knows what he's doing!
We all need you here. Your posts help me more than you will ever know!
You will feel so much better with the Pacemaker.
Continue to keep going forward--one step at a time.

Mindy said...

Checking on you every day and hope you are feeling better. It does take so much longer nowadays, doesn't it? Arrrgh But don't despair, I'm sure you'll soon find yourself feeling rather frisky again. Well, at least moderately so. :-) Don't get too wild and wooly!

Beverly said...

So glad you are home....I hope you see my comment... I always get a response back in my email that I have the wrong address..

I think of you often!