Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Revealing Thoughts

How old would you be if you did not know how old you are? Satchel Paige

All kind of thoughts are going through my mind since I entered this quote.

I am at a good place where my heart is full of peace. Guess it took a lot of experiences and healing to enjoy where I am at this moment in my lifetime.

So many stories as I look back over the years.

If I could go back it would be to the time when I went through my divorce. Oh if I could and know then what it took me a few years to learn. There would have been a lot of tears that would not have been shed and a lot of sleepless nights would have not been experienced.

In my early 40's, new to the dating world and inexperienced in many ways. The first date was with my youngest daughter's orthodontist. Some wonderful restaurants were visited and one evening he cooked dinner for me. I was so impressed with his penthouse on one of the highest hills in Nashville.

There was one who told me he was divorced and was not. He was the greatest liar but had other talents. Another who was with the House of Representatives and treated me royally when in town. Even took me to the governors mansion for dinner and a special event. Oh he was classy and another he dated in his home town (which he never shared).
As someone shared with me later "don't you know you do not trust politicians or insurance salesmen".

Several business men who were widowers that after a few dates looked me in the eye and said "you are truly not interested in me". I told them I enjoyed their company and attention but really felt nothing more. These were good men and it would have been unfair to them to pretend something I did not feel. I wonder could I have grown to be fond of them? There were several that I met at church. Several that told me there was something wrong with me - because they were such a good catch - and I did not want them.

There were those that would just look me in the eye and confess all this undying love for me and some I believed for a short time.

One even arrived with an envelope in his hand, a asked me to open it and read - his doctor revealed that he was in perfect health. My remark "this is interesting".
I have had fun, heartaches, smiles, tears and now have been guarded for a number of years.

A lot of issues with my father while growing up, a husband who never grew up and then a number of relationships with men I found out I could not trust.

About 8 years ago the tears and sleepless nights stopped. I really stood in awe of his creativity and have several of his paintings that I now can hang in this home without much feelings.

Maybe it took me a long time to learn - all I really know is that I have arrived at a good place. I just really do not understand people that lie. Never have and never will.

I am reading "Journey Into Now" by Leonard Jacobson. I will have to read it a number of times to really digest parts of it. He shares a number of counseling sessions. One in particular made me laugh out loud. The woman is in the deepest despair and crying over disappointments in life, heartache and betrayals. He ask if she could see these individuals now or bring them up in her mind what would she say.
She goes through many pitiful remarks - why did you do this - I believed you and trusted you, I did all I know, and she goes on and on with her sobbing. Leonard, looks at her and says "you say two words to them"
and she repeats a number of words which are wrong and he goes on to say - they are two words.
---- Y--. When she tried this - the tears stopped and her face broke out in a smile.

I do not use this type of language but I think if any of these impersonators ever come to my mind - I might just say that to them. Of course - only in my mind.

How in the world did I get on this subject. Might be the 100 degree weather... But then the answer is - if I could be any age what would I be. In my early forty's - newly single and know then what it took me many years to learn about relationships.

I am so thankful for my children, grandchildren, Miss Callie and our home in the woods. I can garden to my hearts content and even hug a tree if I want to.

4 comments:

Sky said...

don't we all wish we could take the wisdom of our older selves into the innocence of our younger days?! boy, could i have saved myself many years of heartache with a man who was never going to be able to have a committed relationship! all these years later and nothing has changed in his life. mine, on the other hand, has changed dramatically, and i feel very blessed, indeed.

great post. thanks for sharing.

Tabor said...

I was never the trusting soul and so my relationships were guarded and since I finally married at 23 they were done! Why to people lie? Because they are empty, they are fearful, they cannot imagine the truth being enough to live life. Those who lie about other relationships are so insecure that they feel they must have it all at any expense. Your wisdom was well earned, but you have it now and can hold it close each day.

thesouthernlady64 said...

Hi Ernestine, I think this is one of my favorite posts from you. I, too, had a hard time getting over a divorce in my life. I think I always thought we would meet again one day and work it all out. He died in 2000 with cancer so that is not going to happen. I, too, am at peace with my life and feel very blessed.

One Woman's Journey said...

Dear Sky, Tabor and Judy, thank you for visiting. This post written after reading the question about what age we would choose.
After written - I smiled to myself.
Then at 3:00 am got up and went to the computer and rewrote and left a few choice morsels out.
Seems I still have a thought that I have to present a certain image :) But I am getting closer to just being myself....