Maybe overload is a good word or rather I crashed!
A loss for words and I am choosing to step back and not write as much - mainly seems like my mind is silent.
The autoimmune disorder I have, comes and goes. After Christmas it came on full force.
No moisture in eyes or mouth, has affected my eyesight and teeth (they have always been perfect) extreme fatigue, could not sleep, lost some weight, and who loses weight at Christmas time.
This seemed to escalate into concern about myself. Seems everything I strive for with my meditation, eating and yoga - just left. Every thing that was forgiven and forgotten seemed to come forth in my mind.
So, I reluctantly went to doctor. Now I am the kind of person who thinks with her lifestyle and beliefs does not need a medical doctor. I knew she would ask "are you depressed? No my answer just trying to find a reason I can accept for what is going on" So I accept I have done too much for quite a while and my system is not as young as it use to be. I am one who goes constantly and it is difficult for me to sit still. The books are calling...
But bottom line I have so many blessings and so much to be thankful for. My dream came true of moving back to my home place and as I look out the window at the bare tree's I dream of Spring and green shoots coming forth from the ground.
I have the best children in the world. I am well aware that through out my years there have been similar times - but this is different.
I listen to them and their remarks are meant to be kind and with their families and involvement they really do not have time for mom to be "down." I am well aware that in 10 years I built 3 homes and moved 3 times, aware that I wanted a simpler lifestyle, aware of a financial loss when last home was sold. If I could go back 10 years I would do nothing any different. Their thoughts for me have been travel, social involvement and on and on.
I might add that I miss my son - so very much. He has a way in person or with his emails of saying just the right thing to encourage mom - onward.
I am not interested. Oh, the travel if I was brave enough to go out on my own and the social involvement has been tried over and over through the years. Now I just want the peace that this nature surrounding gives me.
Since so many have contacted me and this touches my heart more then I have the words to express. I have never seen you in person or hugged you. But I think many of you know in your heart that you are special to me. I must be to you for you to reach out me and know that something is not quite right.
I know I write and share honestly . How can you write any other way. I do not want to embarrass my grown professional children so their are some subjects I do not go into. Through my writing my grandchildren will know their grandmother better.
So at present I am on an immune medication, potassium was low, prednisone for inflammation throughout my system, something to calm me - WHICH I DO NOT LIKE - I am eating in between my small meals and even during the night having hot chocolate with a couple of scoops of ice cream. I am trying to rest more and just want whatever is happening to go away.
I will be writing and taking pictures as the creative process returns. It brings me such pleasure in these later years. It has been a gift.
I do not hurt anywhere - just maybe in my heart that this has happened. Guess I like to appear more perfect then I am. I know now that I cannot just disappear. I might add that this is the same way I feel about you when you do not write for a while. If I had a number I would probably call you :)
I keep having the thought that what I desire and need - I need to give it to myself. Forget about waiting for it to come forth from others. Just not enough time - with my lifestyl
Mermaid - Kaveri - thank you for giving me this thought.
Love you .... One Woman