Monday, January 10, 2011

Thank You

Because One Woman is not quite as strong as she thinks she is - something happened.

Maybe overload is a good word or rather I crashed!

A loss for words and I am choosing to step back and not write as much - mainly seems like my mind is silent.

The autoimmune disorder I have, comes and goes. After Christmas it came on full force.
No moisture in eyes or mouth, has affected my eyesight and teeth (they have always been perfect) extreme fatigue, could not sleep, lost some weight, and who loses weight at Christmas time.

This seemed to escalate into concern about myself. Seems everything I strive for with my meditation, eating and yoga - just left. Every thing that was forgiven and forgotten seemed to come forth in my mind.

So, I reluctantly went to doctor. Now I am the kind of person who thinks with her lifestyle and beliefs does not need a medical doctor. I knew she would ask "are you depressed? No my answer just trying to find a reason I can accept for what is going on" So I accept I have done too much for quite a while and my system is not as young as it use to be. I am one who goes constantly and it is difficult for me to sit still. The books are calling...

But bottom line I have so many blessings and so much to be thankful for. My dream came true of moving back to my home place and as I look out the window at the bare tree's I dream of Spring and green shoots coming forth from the ground.

I have the best children in the world. I am well aware that through out my years there have been similar times - but this is different.

I listen to them and their remarks are meant to be kind and with their families and involvement they really do not have time for mom to be "down." I am well aware that in 10 years I built 3 homes and moved 3 times, aware that I wanted a simpler lifestyle, aware of a financial loss when last home was sold. If I could go back 10 years I would do nothing any different. Their thoughts for me have been travel, social involvement and on and on.
I might add that I miss my son - so very much. He has a way in person or with his emails of saying just the right thing to encourage mom - onward.

I am not interested. Oh, the travel if I was brave enough to go out on my own and the social involvement has been tried over and over through the years. Now I just want the peace that this nature surrounding gives me.
Since so many have contacted me and this touches my heart more then I have the words to express. I have never seen you in person or hugged you. But I think many of you know in your heart that you are special to me. I must be to you for you to reach out me and know that something is not quite right.

I know I write and share honestly . How can you write any other way. I do not want to embarrass my grown professional children so their are some subjects I do not go into. Through my writing my grandchildren will know their grandmother better.

So at present I am on an immune medication, potassium was low, prednisone for inflammation throughout my system, something to calm me - WHICH I DO NOT LIKE - I am eating in between my small meals and even during the night having hot chocolate with a couple of scoops of ice cream. I am trying to rest more and just want whatever is happening to go away.
I will be writing and taking pictures as the creative process returns. It brings me such pleasure in these later years. It has been a gift.

I do not hurt anywhere - just maybe in my heart that this has happened. Guess I like to appear more perfect then I am. I know now that I cannot just disappear. I might add that this is the same way I feel about you when you do not write for a while. If I had a number I would probably call you :)

I keep having the thought that what I desire and need - I need to give it to myself. Forget about waiting for it to come forth from others. Just not enough time - with my lifestyl
Mermaid - Kaveri - thank you for giving me this thought.

Love you .... One Woman

23 comments:

Cape Cod Kitty said...

Oh, dear Ernestine, I am sending you a huge hug and am so sorry you are having to pass through this time. I think we have discussed long ago that I have a similar auto-immune condition, so I send you lots of empathy. It will pass. Isn't it amazing how deeply we feel all the longings and emotions of past and present come to the fore and zap us when we get physically weakened? So annoying.
I'll be sending you lots of comfort in my meditations this week and do just do what you need to do for you and your recovery. Love the Callie photo! You brought me a smile. Dogs are so funny.

the wild magnolia said...

Oh my dearest One Woman, it is your own very special and unique self that draws us to you.

Winter is stark and still, the greens and reds have turned to winter white and brown. It is a season of less, a season of rest and reflection, and dreaming a new year for ourselves, when the wheel turns, we reemerge gloriously gold and red again in the spring.

This season of less is set aside for warm fires and the reading of books. :)

It is wise to listen to your body. Continue to take care of you.

Blessings and ((hugs)).

Tabor said...

I guess what drew me to you was your warrior or brave adventuring spirit. I find that in many of my bloggers and I think it is something I long for. You still have it, even in this post, you are questioning and testing. Keep with your medication for at least several months before you begin to question its efficacy or you ability to accept its side effects. If after that time you want another route be sure and let your doctor know. We all sit here with our free advice, which, of course, is exactly what it is worth!

Sharon said...

Ernestine, you have been on my mind, so I am glad you shared this update. It is hard at any age not to feel 100% and be able to do everything we want to do. Your priority right now is to get stronger and feel better. You know yourself well and know what you have to do, even if it's not what you want to do.

May you be healthy and strong
May you feel peaceful and at ease ~

lilalia said...

Ernestine,
I so enjoy reading your posts and it was lovely to share your journey from city back to a idyllic rural home. Please take dear care of yourself and come back to this meeting place whenever and however you can. All the very best,

Lia

Beverly said...

Ernestine, it is amazing how we know someone so well that we have never seen with our eyes. As I said, I was about to email you or check on your daughter's blog. I was thinking as I read your thoughts, that since it is winter, you have been wanting to read your books, maybe this the world's way of slowing you down, to rest, to heal, to rejuvenate, and what a wonderful time to do it....when the garden, the woods etc, can wait for you to be stronger....so, rest, read, relax and know that with time you will feel better....(and since I am a nurse, you need to listen to the doctor, take your meds, you will adjust to them and feel better).....Take care, my dear friend...

LauraX said...

sweet Ernestine...you know we do love you and energetically are with you sending healing vibrations directly to your heart and whole immune system. I know how frustrating it is to have to be on multiple medications and to live in a body that does not behave the way we want it to despite all the good things we do to care for ourselves like yoga, meditation, eating healthfully, appreciating nature and waking to gratitude...just like the beautiful changing seasons we adore witnessing, our bodies too go through shifts...transforming from one form to another continuously...it is not easy, it is often exhausting, but it is the way of living beings.

sending you deepest prayers for healing my friend, in whatever way healing will take place (often that is a mystery)...xoxoxo

judemiller1 said...

I too have to be very careful to keep my Potassium levels up--low Potassium can effect everything else, including depression and feeling off kilter. I know you will feel better--especially when warm weather returns. You have a magical life, in my opinion. I so wanted to have a home in or near the woods, in the country and have had to give up that dream--so perhaps I live that dream through your pictures and words. Thank you for that.

mermaid said...

Oh, sweetie. We do need to find the answers within, but do not hesitate to call on others for help (physical, emotional, spiritual), whatever you need.

Yesterday, I was feeling particularly aggressive towards myself. I sat down, took out my journal, and wrote down all the ways I was unkind to myself. Next to eack thing, I also wrote a kinder way to be with myself.

Whether this kindness means asking a family member, or neighbor to help, seeking alternative healing, or doing something you love, please take care of you. Though we need to find our own answers, we also need human connection.

May your heart be kind when your body is ailing.

Balisha said...

Hi Ernestine,
I can't add anything more that what your friends have already written. I just know that we all are missing something, when you don't post on your blog. Even if we've never met...we can tell when something is amiss.Please take care. Balisha ((HUGS))

Sky said...

I instinctively knew you had worn yourself out in all ways. I began to have concerns when you made that trip to town a while back. I will be in touch. You are very special and my thoughts and good wishes are right there with you. Boy, do I understand the effects the auto-immune issues have on the body, and the lack of sleep can cause those issues to increase in huge ways. Sleep deprivation causes inflammation. It is all a vicious cycle. We have so many similar issues with our bodies - except that I do not lose weight. If I did I would count that as a belssing of the disease process! But, you don't need to lose so I'm glad you are working on putting some weight back on with your ice cream and hot chocolate snacks. Hang in, Ernestine. You know from experience it all evens out over time. You'll be back in your saddle again. Hugssss and love are sent with this note.

shannon said...

Dear Ernestine,
I am so glad you let us all know what is going on with you.
We have never met, except in this forum, but, feel your last entry was written by me!
I have hit a wall in the last 10 days, started just feeling terrible, and ended up being in bed for 3 days, and still cannot regain my energy, and I am rarely ever sick, or even see a Dr.
Have become so depressed, now i don't want to get out of bed, but, am forcing myself to at least move some.
So, today was my Yoga class,praying tomorrow will be so much better.
I love the comments from all your friends, because they too help me realize there is a time to rest, and perhaps I did not allow that, and my body is saying, ENOUGH, you will slow down and rest!
Thank you for allowing me to share these thoughts, it hard for me to do, my husband says it is my pride, perhaps, but feel safe here, so thank you:)
Shannon

One Woman's Journey said...

Shannon, I have an email address.
Feel free to contact me - if you like. I am familar with Michigan.
My years were spent there until I married and returned to my roots.
A better day today is wished you
Pride - bury it :) Took many years for me to do this.

Lonely Rivers said...

Dear Friend,
You are strong, courageous and wise. You are creative, determined and clear. You are compassionate, reflective and generous. You touch many lives and inspire hope. You are worthy. You are worthy. You are worthy. May you be well.

Freda said...

Take care and be gentle on yourself, this is a hard time of year.

sally said...

Dear Ernestine, I had wondered if you were OK when your entries were few. You are a special person to all of us who follow you, and I hope that the meds and lifestyle change (can one ever read too much?) give you renewed physical and mental strength. Sometimes all the advice in the world tends to bury us, but maybe a kernel sprouts in the pile and sees us through. My wish for you is Peace and Que Sera, Sera. Sally

Darlene said...

I'm sorry that I haven't been writing. I have not been commenting on blogs for about a month. I just started easing into it again today.

I am sorry to read that you are feeling down and hope that when you read this you are feeling better.

BlondeMomBlog (Jamie) said...

January is a really tough time of year. I think I crash and burn mentally and physically after the holidays. That's why so many people get into organizing and wellness/fitness this time of year. We all need a mental beach vacation!

Don't be too hard on yourself and remember not to isolate yourself too much.

Love you!

One Woman's Journey said...

LM - you are too generous with your words. If that was me - I would fly. Maybe I am flyiing - thank you.. Wish you lived near..
Freda, Darlene and Sally.
All - thank you for visitng and your kind words.

-teri said...

This makes me so sad. Indeed I add my love to the pile. Although I am fairly new here I have always felt at home. Blessing for you on your journey.

One Woman's Journey said...

My Jamie - and -teri - thank you for visiting on this bitter cold and snowy day :)

Julia said...

I'm so sorry that things are difficult for you right now - but I understand completely what you are describing so well.

Autoimmune disease is powerful. I hate to allow it to be powerful, but on occasion it rears it's ugly head. One can look back and find any number of reasons why you would be in a flare, but after many years with this disease, I know that sometimes there just are no answers as to why the disease becomes more active. Please don't waste any precious energy by berating yourself by wondering if anything that you have done may have caused this flare.

I am glad that you went to your doctor. I hope that you can develop a good relationship with your healthcare provider - sometimes that nurturing relationship is as or more valuable than the prescriptions that they write.

One Woman's Journey said...

Julia - your are a gift - thank you for contacting me. I can learn so much from you...