Wednesday, November 20, 2013

Free To Just Be Me

Phone rang at 7:00
just like he informed me he would call.
I am always informed and the phone rings as the clock strikes 7:00 AM.

My sharing goes nonstop to the special son
who always listens, never scolds me or interrupts.
I feel so free when I talk to him.

A moment ago I wrote him an email he will receive tonight, his morning and as his mama goes to bed.   So ashamed as I share some of what I still want (as my doctor told me - make a list and my list  so few) , my fears, questioning of these last years.
No one likes me to say "last years" but they are.  Well aware that very few years are left and time is going by at an accelerated speed.   I apologised  to my son and do not need to do this ever again.
I am happy, at peace but still question much.
Normal or not
I do not know
and at the moment
do not care....

Conversation finished, quick breakfast of fruit, yogurt, green tea, zucchini bread and out the door
for a quick trip to local small town.   This town is 8 miles away, love how I can navigate quickly
as I know all the shortcuts and go when traffic is low.  Hospital stop for blood work.  Began seeing a new doctor Monday and it was difficult to start over, but left her feeling so uplifted as she is an internist and familiar with the inflammatory problem I have.  It was so good to leave her office
feeling I have made a good decision.  This one finally taking new patients as I had tried earlier times
to have her as my primary but could not.

On for a quick grocery stop and I know I am positive there will be a  very small garden next year, even if in pots -  as two very small yellow squash  $1.50.  Along with bokchow, broccoli, carrots, celery and anything else I want to put in the pan it will make stirfy this evening with an addition of shrimp.   Also some holiday Peppermint ice cream and huge chocolate chip cookies (that I devoured 2 with milk on arriving home.)

Post office stop and stopped at a new Dairy Queen that opened this morning.  Bright red umbrellas
over shiny black tables surrounded the store as you made your entrance.  This in no way is my regular
kind of eating but did it anyway (probably to the horrors of some health ones in the family)
A chili dog, onion rings (delicious and probably because it was opening morning - maybe not :)

I sat in the sun as people passed by, some smiling and I wonder if the special attention I receive lately is because of my cane and I realize I usually have a smile on my face - anyway I like it as doors are opened and even  my grocery cart is returned  to store.  Guess it does not take much to make me happy this morning or really most times.  I have grown to expect so little from others but still expect more from my children then I should - ashamed of this as everyone has busy lives and are not near.

Returning home down my wonderful winding country road come upon a road block as I viewed about 50 people, cameras
that were filming a country music video.  Memories surfaced of about 15 years ago when living in the old farm house that was done.   Very emotional about much going on surrounding and inside that much loved home and remember well the words of my 2 youngest
"mama, treat this as an adventure."  Now many years later I can and smile about it.

So home, cool but sun is shining, Callie runs to meet me, groceries unloaded and I think
How very thankful I am for my surroundings of these peaceful nature filled fields and woods.

Hopefully I will never have to leave
and do not know if I ever can leave.....
always had a occasional thought  that there might be one somewhere in my lifetime who would love these surroundings
like I do.    Then I have grown so comfortable being alone and with my own schedule
that I probably would not be good company for anyone.

Enough shared.....

7 comments:

Susan said...

I do enjoy your post and I guess we all have to face the journey to the end our life. Never thought much of it until my dad died and then it was like the countdown has begun. I think it would be nice to live in the country but I have always been a city girl. Glad you have a son that understands, so do I.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Oh Susan, I did not mean for my post to seem sad.
Forgive me...
I have a full life, so thankful
and so much I still want to do.
Guess I think, write and my fingers take over.
Love, Ernestine

Tabor said...

You are so like many of us who have children. We want them more in our lives because we know our time is getting more and more limited. It is very hard for them to see such life through our eyes beause they have this busy, challenging and interesting road ahead in their lives. I think you are handling your later years in life with perfection. Apologies whether needed or note give you innner peace. You will be able to stay a while longer and maybe much longer...do not worry.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Tabor, as always I thank you for your words :)

Mary @ Colony Mountain Folk Art Dolls said...

My middle son calls me every day. My day just wouldn't be complete if I didn't hear from him. I understand well what your son's call means to you, especially since he lives so far away.

Judy said...

I so understand your feeling of the children. We excuse them because they have busy lives. Didn't we have busy lives too at one time? Did we neglect your parents/mothers/grandmothers? I didn't think so. I would like to feel relevant to someone--other then my cats! I think of the fears of the future everyday now, it seems. Then I get busy and it is off my mind, but not for long. I believe it is quite normal and come with old(er) age. I am so glad you have finally become the patient of the doctor you wanted years ago. Happy she is knowledgeable about the Sorgen's! (sp?) We aren't done yet, Ernestine!!!

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

It is so good that you have this close relationship with your son.

Life is going faster that is for sure and I am more aware nearing the end especially since losing my dear husband last Dec. Life is a gift and like you, I want to enjoy each new day.

You inspire me a great deal Ernestine.

Have a lovely holiday season ~ FlowerLady