Books by the old Leather Chair

  • Snow In The Summer
  • My Bible
  • The Power of Silence
  • What Comes Next and to Like It
  • Encore Provence
  • A Year in Provence

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

Decisions

My two youngest granddaughter's
two weeks ago at grandma's (ME)
will be so nice to be near them

So many checking in and asking about me
and have not been up to sharing all that is going on.

A doctor shared several years ago with just a few aches from arthritis
that I need to get use to it as it would get worse.

Oh how I disliked him and changed to someone else
now I would look at him and say "how true your words were at that time.)

Seems mobility is really bad, cane is not enough and now most of the time walker.

Always been strong and determined at everything.  A full, active, fearless life.

At the moment so many decisions and so much to do, my children helping but cannot move
in with me with their families, work and some not near.   I have some help but want my
family with me, how childish of me.

I said I would never leave this home that was built with love 9 years ago,  A dream, nothing but me and nature and little Callie.  I did everything, no help and enjoyed my life and nature, pushed and pushed, never relaxing and now there is no push left.

Now told I am so healthy but can hardly walk across the room and simplest tasks are difficult and to accept that a wheel chair may be something in the future,
I am ashamed of this body not functioning the way it has in the past, it has been taken care of well
but maybe not resting and pushing and pushing was not a good idea - but it was me.

Yesterday visited an assisted living not far from 2 of my daughter's and young granddaughter's, it is near where I use to live, familiar with the area but at the moment wonder if driving will return.
A beautiful place, but can make no mistake at this decision to be made.   This may be what I truly need as I can have some help in this home but not constant help and encouragment.

It was Heaven being with my girls.   So long story short may relocate and my heart is here
by the woods.   So much to be done, moving, reorganizing, a lot eventually being sold and passed on.

So last night and continuing this early morning I am sick.  Just everything seems over whelming
to the one who never needed help, moved quickly with confidence and seems I have lost her.

Hoping some of me returns when final decision is made,   My son who will arrive soon
and daughter's helping me.

So guess I have not been realistic thinking I could go on forever with writing, camera, gardening
and always moving quickly and able to get on my much loved mat, walk outside with little Callie.

So you age and much happens and now I pray for acceptance, thankfulness and the ability to continue onward
with Peace and joy of memories with a life well lived.

I feel as though I am disappointing everyone
but mostly myself.  So ashamed this is not cancer, lung or other disorders, it is just a body that is wearing out and normal for someone now in her 80's.   Not afraid of death, guess just the process of deterating

So honestly I have shared and hopefully soon new images to post and possibly describe a
new way of life and oh how I have enjoyed the words shared with so many I have never met.

You are all angels.


27 comments:

FlowerLady Lorraine said...

Dear, dear Ernestine ~ Thank you for this honest, heartfelt expression of what you are going through at this time, your feelings both physically and mentally. It is a big decision you are making. Don't be so hard on yourself. What you are going through is not something to be ashamed of, to fret over that maybe you should have or not have done this or that. It is part of the aging process as you say.

You have lived a full life the way you have wanted to. You have much love, encouragement, advice, etc. to share with others Don't give up, and do accept help wherever it comes from. Living in this new place sounds right for this time in your life. You will be closer to family, you will have help, you will meet new people, making new friends, and no doubt will be helping others by being your kind self.

You are an inspiration to me and I appreciate the love and encouragement you have blessed me with.

May you feel God's tender love surrounding and flowing through you. He is your strength when you are weak. He loves you dearly.

Love, hugs & continued prayers for you dear heart ~ FlowerLady

Rebecca said...

I agree with all that Lorraine said above.
Learning to leave the past behind and live today (and tomorrow) well
isn't easy.
I'm a few "steps" behind you, but not many.
Reading your posts helps me make decisions about how I live NOW
and how I hope to address the unknowns of the future.
Unfortunately, I can't predict the future, so must use the present well
and adjust my attitude as the future unfolds.
Here's ONE reality I can't deny (from 2 Corinthians 4)

For God, who said, "Let light shine out of darkness," made his light shine in our hearts to give us the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Christ.
But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us.
We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair;
persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body.
...Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all.

So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen.
For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

I am praying for YOU and all the decisions that lie ahead. (Sometimes I believe the decision-making is the hardest part....) It's OK to ask for help and receive the assistance from your family. You HAVE done and WOULD do the same for someone else! ♥

Candace said...

I have tried to comment several times but it ends up sounding trite or unfeeling or syrupy!
I feel your pain and sadness as another chapter in your lovely life ends and you begin a new chapter yet again. It was a great chapter and how lucky you were to have had it. Remember with gratitude and go on to the next chapter. Wishing you grace, comfort and contentment as you go forward. I am looking forward to reading here often. You are gracious to share your life with us and have become such an inspiration. Thank you.
Lifting you in love and light. Bless you.

My Journey To Mindfulness said...

Candace, Rebecca and Lorraine
thank you for your kind words, I am trying to change my attitude, accept and move on but finding it difficult
know I can do it, making the decision was very difficult and an ashamed of being
weak at this time. Final decision in a week and then onward to a new live
and this place is beautiful. Trying to decide what to take to this new place,
a lovely place with a large window facing flower beds and a large tree where
I will have family place 2 bird feeders...

Carolyn Marie said...

My heart breaks for you. You are entitled to grieve these changes. Then, I am certain that you will gather your inner strength and make a happy and satisfying new life. You have given me so much inspiration in how you face life's challenges. You are an amazing woman! Peace

lil red hen said...

Ernestine, I can't find words to write today, but know that I'm thinking of you, praying that you will find peace in your decision. I can only imagine how difficult it must be to leave your precious woods and little house. Will someone in the family care for Callie? So, I'm sending love to you, dear friend. Charlotte

My Journey To Mindfulness said...

Charlotte, seems peace and spirit surfacing
will view one more time next week and decide
waiting for the decision to surface is the difficult part
just so much to do here and no longer the passion as strength goes down,
Callie will be with my youngest daughter, she will visit several times a week
and take me to lunch - she lives 5 minutes away
The plus of this I will get to see my 2 daughter's often and 2 young grandchildren
and they will bring my Callie who loves them

My Journey To Mindfulness said...

Carolyn Marie, did not mean to leave you out. Thank you for sending Peace.

Judy said...

I feel exactly the same way!!! How can this body betray us now? Maybe we carried too many babies and that has caused the arthritis to settle in our spine and joints? Maybe we worked too hard and too fast, lifted too heavy things in our gardening or household chores? Both you and I, still so healthy and I guess that means we will have to live longer with these worn and painful bodies? I have friends who love their assisted living apartments. They are so much better to live in, than a nursing home, which is all I could afford when my time comes. I WILL NOT GO!!! As long as I have my mind, I WILL NOT GO!!!
XX OO Judy

Bluebird49 said...

Oh Ernestine! I'm sorry you have to make such a hard decision.
You have nothing to be ashamed of! Doctors tell us that staying active keeps s that way longer. Some active people never have arthritis in their whole lives, some have it in their 30s. I know you feel so discouraged at having to leave your happy place, but I'm hoping you will find our new place both well suited, healthy and satisfying to you. Your wonderful daughter and granddaughters will be close by, too. You'll get to see them often---and Callie, too.
I will pray that, even though this indeed is bittersweet, your circumstances will turn sweeter as adjustments are made.
You know, your thoughts and feelings about this are completely understandable. You're entitled to feel what you feel, dear lady!

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Judy and Bluebird, no decision yet. But now do feel peaceful for going or staying.
I sit and feel great, it is the walking and cannot fall. The plus near some of family
good meals, exercise times, laundry done (like linens and cleaning once a week.
If I do and do not like and miserable will return to my cottage. Family visiting the woods often. Here never stop something constantly to do, told to rest and never sit down.
Bless you both for contacting me.

Sky said...

I know this is a hard decision and the adjustment will be difficult, but I believe with all my heart it is the right one. You will sacrifice some things that are important for other things that are equally important, and the best of all is that you will be safe as well as available to those you love. Spending more time with your family, having them in close proximity, there to accompany you to medical appts, join you for tea or lunch, share shopping trips, just chat and enjoy each others' company, etc., will lighten the load. I think you will feel stronger in time just because you are having more of your daily needs met and because love is healing. Being able to join your family for outings, feel more included in their daily lives, having companionship you trust and can count on when things in your own life are hard and the body is rebelling will be such a gift. Callie will still be close by and easy to see, and you will have a lovely place to live which was built with an eye toward aging bodies and comfortable living. Perfect. I know moving is hard; reorganizing, downsizing, merging, purging, etc., are not fun either. My aunt has gone through all of this during the past 3 yrs, and it was a big adjustment initially, but she is much happier now and feels much more secure. Sending love and good wishes and lots of support for the choices you are making. Be kind to yourself. Would you feel ashamed if one of your daughters had a chronic illness or an issue that affected her mobility or balance? I HOPE NOT. We either get old while our bodies wear out along the way, or we do the alternative - die an early death. I think you have much to be grateful for, myself! Big hugs and love sent to you across these miles.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Sky, thank you

one daughter told I shoud not share things like this
I have always been private
my writing
I vowed to be honest

Wisewebwoman said...

My dear friend, you are so hard on yourself. You are making the best decision. And you will love your new life. I promise you. I've never felt so safe. Out in my wilderness I was always anxious in the last couple of years. As you are. Enjoy the gift of you in the years left.

And Ernestine the importance and honesty of your writing is beautiful. We need more of it. Not enough elders writing about reality.

XO
WWW

RITA LOEHR said...

Thank you for your openness. It is part of life most of us will face if fortunate enough to live many years. My prayers are for you to have contentment and peace in a safe environment close to your loved one. You have been, and continue to,be an inspiration. I agree with so many,other who encourage you to be kind to yourself. Looking forward to following your journey wherever it may lead you!

Marcia Morse said...

My dear Ernestine. Through all the years you have been sharing, I've considered you such an inspiration and a woman who was living her life the way she wanted it to be, so I can feel the pain you face now as you face such a drastic change. BUT, I have to say, as someone who also was brought to a MAJOR change 4 years ago, it has been the most wonderful thing to be surrounded by the love and safety of my family. I let go, and took the bare minimum I needed for existence in my son's beautiful home, and WOW, it is such a relief and happy place to be.
My sister, like you having to make the change as her body has weakened so from MS, moved to assisted living and she thrives from the nearness of new friends and freedom from worrying about being alone in her big house and its upkeep.
May you find peace and revel in the love surrounding you. Like the wonderful Wisewebwoman says, we need your voice, just as your experiences in the past have buoyed and inspired us, we need to have more open discussion and sharing about this time of life.
Thank you, thank you for being you, and it is OK to feel letdown, weak, etc. That will pass.
Love to you and Callie,
MArcia

Beverly said...

My dear beloved Ernestine, you have and continue to be an inspiration to me. I know you are an independent woman and it is hard to have to slow down. You must remember the woods always. The birds, the trees, the flowers and your gardens. They will remain a part of you. It will be nice to see your family more. I will always think of you as I always check in from time to time. I wish I could have met you. I too am having a hard time with living arrangements and don’t know where I’ll end up, but I’ll always check in on you. Much love. Beverly

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

My dear Beverly, so good to see your comment and just emailed you.
Think of you often, please stay in touch
now aol problem, cannot pull of favorites and some things disappear
a constant problem
and I am worrying my family.
All is well with overloaded brain
but balance, pain, walking a problem.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Beverly, come live with me...

Pienosole said...

I've thought of you a lot since first reading this post and echo what your other blog friends have written (so well). I also ask that you be kind to yourself, something which is not so easy for most of us. You are in my thoughts. Wishing you peace and sending a big hug. :-)

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Pienosole, thank you always for your kindness

Annie said...

A very tough decision, I wish you the best.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Annie, trying to do it all
stressful and have diwbscaked so many times
thank you for your comment

Marcie said...

Just sending love. There is a lot to process. So glad you have your family with you.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

Marcie, my brain is weary, not sleeping and a lot to take for a couple of months
decision made tomorrow. My son arriving soon he will handle everything when he is here.
Girls so good but so busy.
Take care of you and enjoy this time of life..

Pienosole said...

Thinking of you this morning as I watch the sunrise sky and sending deep breaths and love.

One Woman's Journey - a journal being written from Woodhaven - her cottage in the woods. said...

pienosole, will write soon, thank you so much for your words, so many decisions, wish you were near.