Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Thoughts

My youngest daughter and soninlaw and my 2 little girls have been on vacation in Florida this week. They are on the way home at this moment.
Oh, how I have missed them. Jamie usually calls and emails me several times a day.
I have received pictures almost daily and they will arrive home with smiling and sunburned faces.
This family vacation they needed. Also the first time for them there were no diapers and bottles. I can hardly wait to hear the sharing from these two little ones.
Next week I will have my 5 year old several days a week as school is out. The other little one is in daycare.
So I am looking forward to this special time.
I have a small courtyard in front of my new home. It is difficult to cut the grass so I decided this week to turn it all into a garden.
My son has spread many many bags of mulch for his mom. Also we planted some new plants and a number of plants from my previous homes will make their home in this area.
I am beginning to have a mental picture of how it will look but it will be next Spring before this becomes a reality.
Some ongoing health issues have seemed to be more severe this past week. That may be part of the reason for this unusual sad feeling this week.
A number of issues have contributed to this. I miss my daughter. I am aware that my son who has a cottage across the street from me will soon be returning to his much loved Thailand. He will be back to this home in the fall.
I miss the home I moved from. I miss the small town where I lived longer then anywhere in my lifetime. I miss running errands and always seeing a familar face.
Miss the hello, conversation and sometimes a hug.
When I shared this with several of the children they just looked at me. Stated "you can not make another move".
I know this home and the selling of my other home - in just 2 weeks - was almost unreal.
I know in my heart that this is where I am to be a this time. But I also realize I could live in that area for a fraction of what it cost here in the middle of this larger city.
I also know that I moved to be closer to my children, doctor, hospital and a number of things that I really do not want or have the time to participate in.
I also realize that my mind and body have not come together as of yet. There getting closer.
Over the years I have been on a path of simplicity. It just seems it is taking me a long time to be exactly where I want to be. I am also aware that desire may not be fulfilled.
In my mind I would like to have a cottage in the middle of some country property I own. I know that realistically I do not need to be out in the middle of nowhere at this time of my life.
But I still create, plan and dream in my mind much that I am aware that I can no longer physically do.
So basically I am finally settled in this new home, creating my gardens and at times wonder "what am I doing here"
I want so very much to accept where I am on my journey through this life. Not to fight it as I may be doing.
I realize more and more that I have lived a full life and now there is not a lot of time left.
There have been the happiest of moments and moments full of heartache.
It seems almost like I am starting over.
I Have not trod this path before.
I am in unknown territory.
I almost feel guilty about putting down such deep thoughts on paper.

Deep inside there is a peace but at the moment the surface has not settled.
I have been a daughter, wife, mother and grandmother.
Now still a mother and grandmother
But what do I name myself at this time.
The matriarch of my family.
I remember when my mother passed away and I said this is what I am and my son replied "yes mama but a young matriarch"
I find that some days I wake up running and I am so full of energy and plans.
Then another day I can hardly move.
I guess I am still that woman who has a lot energy (at times) a lot of unfulfilled dreams and a lot of hope for my future.
A woman who really never thought much about aging - until lately.
I want in the deepest part of my being to be able to accept where I am at this time.
I am also very much aware of all the blessings that have come my way.
Just some Friday thoughts on my continued Journey Through this Life.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Never Say Never: Thoughts on Blogging

Thoughts on a rainy morning from my home in Tennessee.

Just five or six years ago I did not want a computer, but the thoughts kept coming to mind that I needed to know about them. Especially since they were a big part of my children's lives. So my special son-in-law installed one for me. Oh the many phone calls to ask questions. Now I can pretty much get by on my limited use of one. I use for emails to my children. It is like talking on the telephone and we email back and forth, sometimes several times a day.

Now that some of my grandchildren are in college they occasionally email me, too. My youngest daughter spends a lot of time on a computer. She is a writer and editor so that is a part of her work. My son-in-law has a computer business. I am so proud of him. He began his business working out of their home and has progressed to a well known computer business in this area with 8 employees.

The blog world is is something my daughter has been a part of for a number of years. Occasionally I would read her entries. What surprised me most is that the daughter that I am the mother to and the daughter that writes her blog are almost two different individuals.

My daughter is beautiful, well mannered and smart (that's her mama talking) She is my youngest and was the perfect little girl. Never a bad word crossed her lips, played the piano in church, she wore knee socks and no makeup until age 12 or 13. Dated the nicest young man and mama was never concerned. Now my blogging daughter has a humor that I never knew existed. She never ceases to make me smile. Also seems a lot of things in her growing up years mama never would have dreamed they existed. But all in all I am so proud of her as a daughter and as a mother to my special youngest granddaughters who are 3 and 5.

Back to the blogging world. I read my daughters and occasionally she would email for me to read another blog. It grew from there. I began to read more and more. Really started enjoying it and looking forward to special blogs that I have discovered.

So never say never. Never would I have thought I would attempt to have a blog.
Well I entered this blogging world a couple of months ago. Still new, still a challenge, still learning but I am beginning to enjoy it. I have found that communicating with people of all ages through blogging is easier than meeting new people. Or rather, none of my acquaintances have computers and when I talk about it. They just stare at me and say you like that, you have time and say they want no part of it. I feel sorry for them. I am very fortunate this door has opened for me.

The only thing is that I wanted to name my blog "One Womans Journey," but it was taken. I wrote that name in my journal 30 years ago.

It is so easy to type away and with a click of the mouse your words are all over the world. (bad part about this is if you say something hastily and then change your mind - you cannot cancel your comment) I am trying to reread what I have typed and take a few minutes to think. I am also trying to think before I speak. Reading bloggers' thoughts and words you feel a comradery. Blogging has opened a new world for me.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Prayer

At a prayer meeting on board a ship headed for London in 1931, where he was traveling to plead the cause of independence for India, Mahatma Gandhi said.

Prayer has saved my life...I had my share of the bitterest public and private experiences. They threw me into temporary despair. If I was able to get rid of that despair it was because of prayer.
It came out of sheer necessity as I found myself in a plight where I could not possibly be happy without it. And as time went on my faith in God increased and more irresistible became the yearning for prayer. Life seemed dull and vacant without it.
In spite of despair staring me in the face I have never lost my peace. That peace comes from prayer. I am indifferent as to the form. Everyone is a law unto himself in that respect. Let everyone try and find that as a result of daily prayer he adds something new to his life.

Although we, like Gandhi, may come to prayer not by choice but by necessity, we often find, with time that we can hardly do without it. Prayer nourishes us so greatly that it seems necessary for our exsistence. I copied this years ago and placed it among my special papers.
Wish they were my words but it is the deepest truth within my heart.
Some thoughts on my journey through life
May 14, 2008 5:15 AM

Friday, May 9, 2008

Mother's Day Tribute


My mother has been on my mind a lot over the last few weeks. So many things come to mind. Too many memories to write about this afternoon, but one thing stands out. The quilts that she lovingly made become more dear to me as time goes by.

I wrote my children not long along reminding them of all the handwork and time spent on these quilts. I told them to treat them gently and with much care. I never saw my mother sewing them. She was an early morning person like myself and she would quilt at that time, cutting all the little pieces, pinning to fabric and then hand stitching. I took that for granted for years. Now I do not. Especially since it is an ordeal for me to sew a button on or hem a pair of slacks.

I smile at this - my 5-year-old granddaughter on a visit showed me her torn bear. I picked out the thread and threaded the needle. The entire time she was watching me intently. When the stitching was done and I handed her the bear back she smiled and said thank you grandma. She replied "I told mama you could do this grandma."

My mother was not the ideal mother for many years. Marrying at 17 and I was born at 18. My father someone she had only known for 3 weeks and mother threatened to run away if her parents did not consent to the marriage. In my eyes at this time she was a child. Also it was the end of the Depression which brought many problems.
But as she aged she became the mother I needed.

She always listened, encouraged and was always there when I felt there was no one. Mothers are like that. They are always there. I have always felt their love is the closest to God's love.

It her last years I was her main caregiver. She would never let me take her to lunch and always considered the days I took her to medical appointments her time. We would stop for lunch and any place special that she wanted. As time went on these special days became more numerous. So with Mothers Day around the corner I send her my love and thank her for these beautiful quilts.

Another memory on my journey through life.

p.s. Here is a tribute my youngest daughter wrote about my mother in 2006.